I have another misbelief. Remember when I talked about it a few weeks ago? My misbelief about my essay writing and that I believed something that was not true: 1. That an essay or any piece of writing is supposed to arrive on the page ready and done. That what you imagine in your brain arrives instantly and that if it doesn’t, you’re no good. (Yes, this sounds ridiculous, but I still believe this on a deep level.)
I have another misbelief around my art and being an artist. I have this dumb idea that if you haven’t gone to art school or didn’t start making art when you were young that it’s too late. This I’m not sure where it came from. Probably just my insecurities raising their hackles each time I say out loud “I am an artist.”
I have never been able to draw much more than stick figures. However, I used to pride myself on always coloring within the lines.
Yes, I’m firstborn, why do you ask?
I’m very much a rules-follower by training. My growing up environment taught me quickly to obey and to obey instantly.
My natural bent is that I’ve also got an Aquarius moon, so sometimes, just for fun, I like to blow up that perfect, just to see what happens. This is my natural writer sensibility. I’m curious. I’m sensitive, but I’m also the kid who just has to try, just to see.
I got in trouble for it a lot in school. In elementary school, they handed out cards with Goofie on it and if you did something wrong, you got a Goofie. I got a lot of those. On the playground, I would act out, and once I pulled a friend’s skirt up while on the jungle gym. Oh she was mad. Then in the elementary school cafeteria, I opened my mouth to another friend while it was full of food. Oh she was even madder.
I just couldn’t help myself. Now I wonder if there was some ADHD going on. All I wanted was to please my teachers, my parents, my pastor, and God. But I just didn’t want to give up on the freedom. I wanted to just try stuff.
And now? The childhood courage needs a little bit more prodding. It’s harder to try new things and I have to work at it not to come up with an excuse.
If you’re over 45 like me and find yourself needing some courage, consider this your push to try.
I confess these things on a public blog to get myself to move and to hold myself accountable, and you’re welcome to borrow permission for something that you’ve long feared, but really want.
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