The Fear of Standing Out

(design and photo by Diane Bergeron via daily imprint)

This dining room design makes me giddy with delight. I’m actually considering this idea! Total noncomformity!

For those who have ever suffered through fundamentalism and rigid doctrine and teachings (which always seem to leave out grace!), the fear of standing out is one of the greatest barriers to true creativity.

You see, we were trained in these rigid environments to be exactly the opposite. We were trained to conform, to dress the same, to talk the same, to be the same. The incredible creativity of our Creator was thrown out and the boring, conformity of faceless and nameless gray replaced it.

We’re resilient creations. There was joy in those faceless and nameless gray years. There was a lot of good: friends, laughter, hard work, tears, loss. The things that life is made of.

But one day, we had to leave those gray days behind and we had to join the real world. And it was not so much our message that mattered as our story. It was not the conformity of a doctrine that resonated, but the personal point of view of each person who went through it. What we took away, what we left behind, what we have learned since, and the joys, angst, tears, and happiness we’ve found in the meantime. That’s what’s fascinating to the world.

But it scares a lot of us to be heard and to be seen. We have big problems with people looking at us that closely. I complain, “I can’t handle all these people up in my grill!” when in reality, no one is even nearby. I feel exposed, vulnerable, out of step, and as the fundamentalists would lecture, and in danger of exhibiting that “independent spirit.”

Don’t even get me started.

We were created to be independent and free. We were created to have a free will, to make choices, both good and bad, to feel things wrongly or rightly, to walk a different path, if that’s how it worked. There is no such thing as one way or one life or one aspect of sanctification that I can see. And no matter how much we try to keep everything in conformity–as anyone knows–things quickly spiral into their own “independent” and free ways. Ever see a crowd? Do they march in unison or one way? Ever see a group of people try to decide where to go for dinner? Ever see a married couple try to buy a couch?

We’re wonderfully created to be unique. I’m claiming my uniqueness and my independence and generally freaking out about it (thus this post). I’m learning to conquer the fear of standing out in a crowd. I get to be sparkly and brilliant. I get to be Carrie Bradshaw.

But there’s a dark side to standing out. We may look like we’re okay with it, but inside we’re quaking. Ever feel that way? Like you just walked one step too far out on the ledge and you’ll go down at any moment?

Then you know. And in self-defense, we do one of two things: we back off (or back up) and let opportunities slip past. Or we proceed blindly, letting our fear cripple us into failure.

This fear of standing out is just another root from that old tree we’re letting grow right in the middle of our lives. We still think we’re frauds. We can’t grasp the idea that we’re just fine. We’re “created for a purpose,” after all. Why not grasp that inheritance and run with it?

Because it takes tons of energy. I know.

So, here’s what we can do:

1. Learn to become fearless of one thing that scares you a lot. It takes focus and you’ll have to drop something else in your life, because the energy required to stay fearless, well, it requires a ton. If you’re working on a project or trying to change something in your life, you’ll have to focus on it. And I mean focus.

2. Soothe your fearful and “possibly freaking out” creative artist by being super kind about everything else. You’ll have to loosen tight deadlines, let go of your perfectionism tendencies, drop other responsbilities, and avoid handing your energy away to just anyone. Some in your close circle may not like it much, because it’s less energy for them, but it’s okay. It’s not forever; it’s a temporary focus to push you toward your goal.

I’ve heard people talk about using this energy to quit eating certain foods, to stop spending, to stop complaining, to focus on faith, to live in the now, to seek God.

For me, it’s just about not worrying that I’m more visible these days. I can freak out all I want, but really, “we learn nothing except by going from the known to the unknown.” (Claude Bernard)

Action Step: What one thing are you avoiding because it will make you stand out or get more attention? What one thing can you do to balance out that uncomfortable feeling of (for lack of a better description) “letting it all hang out”?