Memoir: Trying to Save Yourself

You can’t. I am not trying to be dogmatic here. I’m telling you what everyone is just as sure of as I am–both those who believe and those who do not. You cannot save yourself. The sooner we get this through our heads, the better off we’ll be, I think. Those who believe know Someone else will have to do it. Those who hold atheistic considerations laugh that we have to be saved at all. The position of having to save yourself is comedic at this point in history, but still perpetuated by religion.

The patriarchs and Quiverfull folks love to talk out of both sides of their faces on this topic. They say “We are saved by grace alone” and then pour on the pressure to be perfect, to follow every single law in the Bible, to follow every RIDICULOUS vision or message they get handed from “above.” I spent a decade turning myself inside out to fit into this mold, into a square peg, when all along I had rounded edges and wasn’t even interested in being dogmatic about my life. But if I chose something different from them, or decided to do something different, I was going straight to hell. In truth, to them, my actions were going to have to save me. In religion, my response would have to save me. No one else would. Not one of the patriarchs gave a whit about anything I was struggling with. It was up to me to deal with it and learn to persevere in spite of it.

I repeat, you cannot save yourself. I tried long and hard and failed. We all will try hard and fail. Religion fails the soul. Until we batter ourselves against the unyielding stronghold of works, in exhaustion, until we wake up to the hand reaching out to us in GRACE. This hand belonged to a God-man that was nailed to a Cross as a mockery in front of all Jerusalem as a way to bring this man without sin down. The Romans and Pharisees thought they won when they killed Him. And yet this man was the only one who could take on the works and save Himself — and save us to boot.

Patriarchs may trumpet that God was a man long and loud. I don’t think it matters. The author of The Shack saw God as a black woman, I see God as a force, way too big to be put in human terms, and this force holds the universe in His hands. This force is male to me. I don’t care. That’s so not the point. This force holds me. This force who was a God-man while on earth saved me.

May we all let go and focus on what will save us, not what won’t. Just take care not to ensure that your God matches your appearance in the mirror. When that happens, we’re back around to the beginning all over again: trying to save yourself. And you can’t.

My inspiration is “Outrageous Grace” by Christine Dente, Michelle Tumes, and Susan Ashton from their Lost In Wonder album.

There’s a lot of pain but a lot more healing
There’s a lot of trouble but a lot more peace
There’s a lot of hate but a lot more loving
There’s a lot of sin but a lot more grace

Oh outrageous grace oh outrageous grace
Love unfurled by heaven’s hand
Oh outrageous grace oh outrageous grace
Through my Jesus I can stand

There’s a lot of fear but a lot more freedom
There’s a lot of darkness but a lot more light
There’s a lot of cloud but a lot more vision
There’s a lot of perishing but a lot more life

There’s an enemy
That seeks to kill what it can’t control
It twists and turns
Making mountains out of molehills
But I will call on my Lord
Who is worthy of praise
I run to Him and I am saved

Tagged as: brilliant, finding common ground, memoir