Memoir: Marriage and Children

So, by now you’ve all read my previous posts on dating, music and short skirts, college, and patriarchy. All those posts really uncovered some truth in my life that I was not prepared for, I admit.

It’s easier for me to be married now, for me to have no children now, for me to live like I do now and to relive those moments back in those days because of one core thing: I did not marry into that belief system, I didn’t have children under that belief system.

I’m married to a man who also survived the same belief system and started running for his life about three years before he met and married me. And he took me with him. I don’t have to run alone. I have a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk through these things with, someone who keeps telling me that I’m doing fine and that we’re going to figure this out . . . eventually . . . but that I won’t ever figure all this out in this lifetime.

I have a loving God for comfort, yes. That’s enough, I promise.

Easy for me to say when I also have a husband for comfort and I haven’t had to actually parent a human being yet.

There’s a huge difference between me (and other ATI/patriarchy survivors who are writing blogs) and those mothers who survived patriarchy. I don’t know that I can even compare the experiences: it’s more like apples and oranges. The mothers I’ve met are happily free, still heartbroken, and yet extremely passionate about those years. And I so appreciate them. They walk around with honesty written all over their faces. They encourage me, “Go, Trish. Write it. Tell the truth.”

Yes, it’s true in this cult there was a strong persuasion toward patriarchy. It was different from the typical church exhortation for a wife to submit to her husband. This was much more serious. This threw out any discussion of egalitarian/complementarian and drew a picture of absolute totalitarian rule. Sure, your OWN mileage may vary (YMMV), but the stories are true. Women and children suffer under totalitarian patriarchy, be it Jewish, Muslim, or Christian. I don’t know about anything but the Christian (Protestant) part. But others may know. That’s the power of telling your own story.

That takes guts. It is one thing for me to be under the authority of crazy patriarchal nut jobs; it’s quite another to be married to one. Or to be pastored by one, or to attempt to have to flee for your life from one.

If you’re a mom who survived patriarchy, you’ve given me the benefit of the doubt by reading my experiences here. My purpose with this post is to return the favor. I recognize the heartbreak, the doubts and fears, the guilt from being a mother/wife under this horrible torture system. I recognize today that you felt pain I will never have to experience. I realize that I will definitely not be a perfect parent someday, but at least I get to steer clear of this evil, this forced patriarchy/Quiverfull belief system because I now know what it is. You mothers and wives had to learn the hard way.

I really believe there’s a very good reason. I really believe God has a really good plan in spite of it all. I know a few mothers/wives who are writing about their experiences and I really, really want to say: if you have every considered writing your story, why not try in 2010? You don’t have to blog it on the Internet, I promise! But if you want to share it, feel free to send me what you’ve got and we’ll feature some stories on here. Or I’ll steer you to Vyckie over at No Longer Quivering. But that’s not the point of this post.

I just want to tell you that I was so scared to write a thing last year. It was something I wanted to hide deep inside. I was at a writing conference last March/April with two close writer friends out on Bainbridge Island and as we walked back to our car along the waterfront, I joked about something and my writer friend stared at me, “What did you just say?”

The rest is history. It took much convincing, much grace, much understanding and encouragement from my family and friends, and a lot of talking with my writing group for me to just start. And then I posted it for the world to read! Wow, I’m really low key, right?

Find a pen, find an old notebook, and just start jotting WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. And then put it away, or show it to your husband, or your friends, or just God.

I just really believe there are so many still out there, perhaps reading this blog, that are hurting and feel like they are the only ones.

You are not alone. God is with you. And so are we all.

Tagged as: ATI, grace, memoir, patriarchy, real/brilliant