Back to Reality: It’s January

After a fantastic vacay away in Hawaii for Christmas, we are back and it is indeed odd to have a massive sunburn while you are running around in scarves and gloves and warm down jackets. Yes, the sunburn still hangs on. It is healing, but let’s face it, when you are face down in the water snorkeling all day in the Hawaii sun with the fish and sea turtles, your sunscreen (be it 100 spf or not) does not hold. Thus my t-back swimsuit sunburn line is now to the itchy stage. The rest of my body is white, white, white, but the red itchy patches on my back remind me of what was just four short days ago.

While I was away, my blog got bombarded (shout out to the many thousands who are visiting from the Television Without Pity discussion boards and from Krista’s blog; welcome!) and for your information, the memoir work continues and you’ll be seeing the results very soon.

I’m still reading way too many books. I guess I can’t stop. But I’ll go back to one book each week for 2010. First up is more memoir (I know!).

My word for 2010 is “real.” I yearn to be authentic this year in all I do. I’m tired of running away from reality. I can see your quizzical faces from here. What do I mean?

In our Protestant, patriarchal, Quiverfull homeschooling cult the goal was to shred any sense of independent thought we had. Sure we could read whatever spiritual biographies we wanted, but when you asked difficult questions, those were poo-pooed away with fill-in-the-blank answers. Thus, I took on the persona of someone who (in spite of all my efforts to remain the real me) was not real in many areas. It has taken years for me to even WRITE down some of the things that happened. I know that there are still so many things inside that I need to purge.

A few I’ve been thinking about (and I’m still writing, so forgive my lack of articulation today):

1. I tend to agree with everyone when in a company of many people. It’s training from the cult years. Don’t stand out. Don’t ask questions. Don’t cause a stir. Don’t be confrontational. I’m not about to start being confrontational, but I can’t just slide along anymore. Do the words I say really express what I feel and think? I’m writing about this currently.

2. I always try to mediate a disagreement. When in a situation where one person disagrees with another, I get upset because I want everyone to get along. Time to quit trying to fix everyone and trying to be this super mediator who can bring peace to all. I am not the savior of the world.

3. I don’t interact with others when I’m uncomfortable. I hide inside myself and think about things that bring me comfort. It’s selfish behavior. Sometimes I need to buck up and think about someone other than myself. Sometimes I need to extend myself out of my comfort zone and actually show interest in other people’s lives.

4. Less thinking, more writing, more praying. I think way too much (probably a reason for most of the issues above) and this turns me into a myopic, narcissistic wimp. Time to put it to action. Need to write, need to give, need to pray. Need to quit thinking to make myself feel better.

5. Remember there is a God and it’s not me. Oh this comforts me more than anything. I may never make progress on these issues in my life, but God still walks with me.

Happy 2010 everyone! Thanks for reading. I’m still plodding away over here, but dude, I wish I was still snorkeling in Hanauma Bay (pictured above and below). If one can smile and snorkel at the same time, that’s what I looked like.

Tagged as: brilliant, memoir, Travel Tales, writing