Where I’ve Come From: A Segue to Something Different

For most of you reading the blog, you’re probably wondering if I’m about to confess that I’m really from another planet.

Um, no.

Never fear, I’ve always been here.

Actually, I need to confess that I, not so very long ago, was part of another world (on Earth, mind you). This world is the 18 Kids and Counting: Duggar Family show on TLC and is growing leaps and bounds under the influence of Vision Forum, a para-church homeschooling organization in Texas (more on all of that later).

I was as part of the fringe of this crowd for a while. I wore long skirts just like them, cooked meals in quadruple just like them, lived at home with my parents for too long just like them, was afraid of the world and didn’t watch television or movies in the theater, and only read books with happy endings, and I believed, oh did I believe it, that if I did everything just right, down to how long my hair was, what curriculum I was taught (or decided to teach my own children; homeschooling is expected), what books I read, what kind of friends I had, how often I went to church, how many books of the Bible I memorized, and how often I gave my life up for ministry completely, that I would make it. I would be complete! Done! Finito! The end.

But it wasn’t the end. It was simply the beginning.

This blog has long resisted (okay, so I’ve long resisted) talking about this, but my resistance has fried my brain. I no longer can compel myself to stay silent on the subject, not when my days are full of much prayer, much study, much thinking, must rehashing, much “rightly dividing” what exactly I came out of and how in the world I must live my life now.

I’ve spoken of the memoir work and the essays that have taken over my brain. I can’t keep up the “expert” facade forever on this blog. I’m a writer who survived a homeschooling cult, what I call Patriarchy Lite and what others will know as ATI/IBLP/Bill Gothard. I only know a tiny bit about writing. I only know a tiny bit about travel. I know nothing about how life should be, how things will turn out, and I don’t have a life plan that I know actually works. I just have to-do lists and dreams.

And the to-do lists and dreams are greatly influenced by where I came from. I want nothing to do with where I was. I am moving forward as fast as I can go.

Patriarchy is a cult. It looks so good on the outside, and so many pieces of it I agree with. But what the Bible shows me is not patriarchy as we have seen it. The Bible never recommends it, never puts it first. The Bible covered the entire patriarchy system with grace. Patriarchy is no longer first. I believe that with all my heart.

I’m lucky that patriarchy did not really hurt me. For a while though, it sure tried.

In truth:
I did not get locked in a room with bread and water until I cried for forgiveness.

I did not have to choose between obeying my father or the leadership.

I did not have to get married at 18 and immediately start having babies.

I was not physically hurt or emotionally harmed.

I was emotionally and spiritually manipulated, but I made it out and my mind will heal.

I am lucky. I have seen grace. I know it works. I believe in it. I believe in second chances, in black and white dissolving into gray. I believe we do not know as much as we think we do.

The reason I believe this is that I didn’t see the worst of it. I was out of patriarchy before I saw how truly horrible it was. But there are still people inside it. I must write for them.

I won’t convince them though, all those firmly ensconced in it. I am not even going to try. I am going to talk to all of you who won’t ever set foot in it, who are able to sidestep the innate longing within each of us to “belong” and who use your minds to think and to ponder.

I believe every person alive is in a “cult” of some sort. There is some person or some thought in our lives that holds us captive to an idea, a reasoning, and a belief.

Because I’m a Christian, I believe the only thing that can really truly set us free from a cult is the grace of God. I know to those who don’t believe in such things that I’m sounding nonsensical right now. I’m sorry. I do welcome thoughts and comments.

This is me. Covered by grace. Human. Prone to foibles. Emotional. Often confused. But I will never stop seeking my way through this life. What you will see is how I’m doing now.

Tagged as: cult, grace, patriarchy, Where I've Come From